Beth Anderson goes undercover on a Melbourne Shopping Tours bargain-hunting adventure.

Saturday 8.01am

I make a mad dash for the Melbourne Shopping Tour bus 16 minutes late — who goes shopping this early on a Saturday morning? The answer is standing right in front of me, huddled together to protect themselves from the cold. There are about 20 women here, all dressed for battle in snuggly scarves and mittens, who have set aside the entire day to do what they do best, hunt for bargains. Friends and acquaintances through a local social club, they have undertaken the Melbourne Shopping Tour on many occasions as a means of fundraising for their club. Today, however, they are merely having a fun day out. Moving towards them I see a figure in green at the centre of their circle; she introduces herself as our hostess Laraine, who will mother and guide us through the next 10 hours of hardcore shopping. With a groan I compare her sensible, flat shoes to my own heeled boots. This woman is a professional shopper and I am already humbled by my first rookie mistake. We are shepherded onto the bus past Doug the driver who, as the only man present, wears the expression of one who knows what lies in store. Amid excited chatter from the back seats, we set off.

8.43am

We arrive at the Natio Cosmetics outlet, the first of at least 10 destinations that we will visit today. Natio, along with several other outlets that Melbourne Shopping Tours visits, is not open to the general public so we’ll be getting some great bargains here! I follow the lead of the seasoned professionals and grab a basket as we file inside. Despite my conviction not to buy anything today, I swiftly stock up on nail polish and hand cream. To be honest, I could buy the entire store but satisfy myself with only a few products. Other incredible deals included $4 toner and gift packs for $10; best of all were cream blush and eyeshadows for just $1! Our purchases completed, we return to the bus where the warm, calming flow of retail therapy kicks in and the chatter increases.

9.08am

Back on the bus, we compare items and I’m suddenly inflicted with a reversed case of buyer’s remorse. Instead of regretting my purchases, I berate myself for not having bought more! Fellow shoppers inform me that they have made the same mistake in the past; one of them, to this day, regrets not having bought more on past Melbourne Shopping Tours at outlets that have since closed down. We vow not to be so foolish this time around.

10.14am

After fuelling ourselves with a delicious morning tea, we arrive at Melbourne’s Cheapest Kitchenware outlet. Here, the older ladies are in their element, stocking up on pots, pans, platters and more. The aisles of this warehouse are filled with some great bargains including $25 knife sets and utensils from just 50¢. Our hostess guides us towards the better buys and soon we are staggering towards the bus under the weight of our parcels. Back on the bus, bags overflow into the aisles; this, Laraine tells me, is nothing compared to other occasions when the entire aisle, luggage racks and storage space beneath the bus have been stuffed full of parcels. That may yet be us — the day is still young.

11.24

Our third and most fun-filled stop is a toy outlet, where the organised shopper can make massive savings on birthday and Christmas presents. This warehouse is filled to the brim with all kinds of toys and kids’ entertainment: plush dolls, costumes, bikes, balls, pool toys, jigsaws, books and more. Kids would go crazy in here and judging by our group’s behavior, adults aren’t much better! Back at the bus, it is time to start utilising the storage space underneath. Our hostess was right — no one ever leaves a Melbourne Shopping Tour empty-handed.

12.15pm

The fourth and final destination before lunch stocks clothing lines from the likes of Kmart, Target and Big W. Most of us buy up big on pajama sets for just $15 and dresses from $5. Rifling amongst the racks I stumble across an Alice McCall for Target summer dress; it is the perfect size and costs a mere $14.95. Needless to say, I am the first to the register. This time, when we return to the bus, nearly all of us are swinging huge bags stuffed full of clothes, clearly abiding by our mantra to regret nothing today.

1.15pm

Despite the promise of a hearty lunch and complimentary “bottomless” champagne, it is time for me to call it a day. More than happy with my purchases I bid farewell to the ladies and wish them luck for their remaining shopping adventures. After lunch they will go on to visit a homewares store, a gift shop, a book outlet, leather warehouse and possibly make several unscheduled visits to kidswear, lingerie and cosmetics outlets. I, on the other hand, will return home to try on my new dress, test my new cosmetics and count the money that’s still left in my purse.